Do you consciously think about how you can connect with your husband/partner daily? In the midst of kids and work is strengthening your relationship/marriage even on your radar?
Relationships are wonderful things yet they are often difficult to sustain. Many women long to be married or in committed relationships, but they bring over-romanticized notions about how their relationships should be. Very often the reality of our relationships bear little resemblance to our dreams. You don’t like his mother, he forgets your birthday and he doesn’t have the means to whisk you off to Paris for the weekend.
Our marriages and long-term relationships however provide us with a personalized education. They tend to reveal your beliefs, values, fears and insecurities. Are you ceding responsibilty for an area of your life because you feel “it’s the man’s job?” How do you resolve conflict? Are you more interested in being right and doing it your way than in finding common ground with your partner/husband? Are you staying in a relationship that you know is dysfunctional because you are afraid that you can’t manage on your own? Are you comfortable being emotionally vulnerable with your husband/partner?
Every relationship/marriage is not meant to go the distance. Ultimately the successful ones involve 2 people who are both committed to: honest and open communication; supporting the other emotionally as she/he grows and changes; and accepting the other in their glory and in their infamy. People don’t change unless they want to, so if you’ve realized that you’ve got a lemon, don’t automatically assume that you can make lemonade. The test is whether you and your partner are both invested in improving the quality of the relationship—or even maintaining it. Love, like life is a journey, not a destination.
Here are some words that I find inspirational as I continue my own relationship journey. Kahlil Gibran in his essay on marriage states:
“Love one another, but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other’s cup, but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping; For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together yet not too near together; For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”
Other Articles of Interest:
Mamas–Let’s Talk About Sex
From Goop.com
“What does it take to sustain a happy and successful relationship or marriage?” (Women’s Responses)
“What does it take to sustain a happy and successful relationship or marriage?” (Men’s Responses)
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
Excellent article! I used to think that I was working daily at strengthening my relationship; but that was before my divorce. Now, I am truly understanding that it really takes 2 people who are committed to the traits you mention. Of course, I believe the words of Kahlil Gibran to be among the most inspired in the world. I am working toward living my life by sharing together but still recognizing that we are separate and that is how we need to be in order to continue growing into the people we were created to be.
Shahmet: Thank you for your comments. So many women beat themselves up when a relationship/marriage ends. I am a strong believer that it takes two to make a relationship and two to break it. Our responsibilty is to realize what contribution we made to the the breakdown…that being said we can’t change our partner. If a relationship is going to last each person has to acknowledge fault, neglect, whatever and also be willing to commit themselves to restoration. Otherwise we need to learn our personal life lessons and keep it moving.