It’s the end of the year and I suppose that self-reflection is inevitable, especially since I’m committed to my emotional and spiritual growth. What stands out for me is that this year I said goodbye to two very important relationships.
In both instances I had known these people for years. One person I’ve known since college and another for more than 6 years. Each had been a part of my life as it changed and transitioned into new directions. Both people however appeared comfortable in the lives that that they had crafted in their early twenties. I had always been opposed to shedding friends as I moved forward—it seemed disloyal. It also seemed mercenary, like friends were only as good as what they could do for you. Maybe I was being naive. What became apparent is that as our common ground diminished it was replaced by envy and disinterest…on their part.
Unfortunately, in both relationships I had a long-standing, gnawing feeling that things weren’t right. I tried to be modest and chose not to make a fuss about my victories or talk about my next “big” move. I was playing small to make these other people feel comfortable and I secretly resented it. I was always happy and supportive of them and I wondered why couldn’t they be the same for me? I’ve never been a quitter, so I naturally assumed that there was a way to maintain these relationships. Indeed there was a way but I came to realize the price was simply too high. The price was my spirit. It may sound overwrought and melodramatic, but it was true.
There was so much that I couldn’t express to these people about who I was, or what I desired or what I believed. The times I tried I was met with blank stares, nervous laughter or the standard, “I don’t know much about your world.” (as if I were an alien) I’m not sure whether it was their upbringings, their precarious finances, or a belief that their lives were immutable but each was listless about his/her own future. Consequently I never felt that they were really happy for me when I actually talked about the good happening in my life. Similarly it seemed as if both of these people easily dismissed my fatigue, worry and pain. Their underlying message always seemed to be given what I had I had a helluva nerve to be sad or afraid. There was rarely an acknowledgment of the hard work that I put in to get my life to where it is—as if I were some charmed golden girl.
Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t want my ego stroked, I just wanted to feel that each of these individuals actually gave a damn about me. When I say me, I mean the person— not the author, the person speaking to audiences or the expert being interviewed in the media. In a nutshell I didn’t feel supported in these relationships and I didn’t feel valued—despite their nice words. The public me made for a useful (minor) status symbol. The real woman however offered no such worth and also came with feelings and needs that required care and attention.
My decision to say goodbye to these two people didn’t come easily. Actually I agonized over one goodbye for more than a year after being on the receiving end of several betrayals of trust. The other was more abrupt after a succession of slights topped with a major dollop of inconsideration. The goodbyes now are several months in my past and I feel much lighter. Frankly I miss neither the gossip nor the apathy that accompanied these relationships. I did my best in several talks with each person to let them know him/her how I was feeling. These essentially one-sided conversations made no impact. Each in his/her own way indicated that no change was coming. I accepted that each had a right to stay “as-is,” and that I also had the right not to subject myself to their choices. In coming to that revelation I knew that regardless of the years and our connected histories, it was time for me say goodbye.
I try and refrain from analyzing whether these relationships were shams from the start—illusions that I concocted and fortified with time. It’s easy to leap to that conclusion since neither person has done anything to try to salvage their relationship with me. I think however that these relationships are mirrors to my past self that can’t be reflected in my now. As great thinkers have said for eons we will find ourselves in relationships with people who match our psychological comfort zone. For most of us, it means we surround ourselves with people who encourage us to stay where we are. I am indeed in a different place today. Unlike before I am committed to living a life that represents me honestly. This means having people in my inner circle whom I can be wholly myself and who genuinely want me to pursue my dreams—as they pursue theirs.
So, maybe the most empowering thing I did this year was take a stand for my heart & soul by learning how to say goodbye. In the remaining days of 2009 I challenge you to lovingly say goodbye to a relationship that no longer nurtures your spirit or encourages you to live your best and biggest life.
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I once read that it takes tremendous self-esteem to “break up” with a longtime friend, and I believe it’s true. It takes tremendous self love to look at another person who has been in your life for a very long time and say, “If I cannot be authentic with you, then it is harmful for me to stay in relationship with you, and I choose not to do that.” Should we go through the motions of friendship so as not to hurt someone? I actually think it’s much more compassionate and respectful to be honest than to start doing things like making plans you intend to cancel or zoning out during conversations instead of being present. We do such things to protect not them but ourselves — namely, our self-image as nice people — when we do things like that. You proved that you were not mercenary when you attempted to have the difficult conversation about how your interactions were making you feel. That was your invitation to them to build your friendship based on who you had become and wanted to become. The way they respond was their RSVP: no. But who knows? Sometimes a relationship needs space/separation to grow. There’s always a possibility that after some time has passed, you can rebuild a relationship based on who you both really are rather than who you were 15, 20 years ago. But even if that doesn’t happen, by ending the relationships, you have created both space and energy in your life to attract the kind of people who can accept you for who you are now and champion who you committed to being. Kudos to you. It’s not easy. But it’s one of the secrets of adulthood.
Sofia:
Thank so much for your heart felt comments. Given the sometimes difficult choices, adulthood is not always fun. What I know for sure is that I definitely feel younger and freer than I did years ago.
Yvonne