Practically every self-help guru says that you’re the sum of your personal network. What this means is that your income level, education and lifestyle tends to approximate that of your closest friends. This revelation is comforting to people who are completely satisfied with their lives. However for most of us who are seeking more personal fulfillment and greater financial security it’s a scary thought. Essentially to create a more abundant life you have to get new friends.
Most of us have a slew of broke friends. These are people who choose to lead emotionally, spiritually and/or financially impoverished lives. These are the overspenders, the complainers and the naysayers in your life. Your friendships either help you to maintain the status quo or they help you to grow—there is no middle ground. Recently I grappled with a friendship that’s been challenging my personal and professional beliefs.
I have an old friend who hasn’t held a steady job in years. He barely sustains himself by being a “consultant.” He sees his professional vagrancy as a badge of autonomy—a classic sign of a chronic underearner. We talk fairly regularly and had dinner last week when I was in NYC. The conversation drifted between the past where he name-dropped and the present where he discussed his relatives’ financial woes. Ironically within his clan he is the go-to person; the voice of reason. I left our dinner feeling depressed and irritated. I kept thinking: Can I be an advocate for self-sufficiency and hang out with someone who’s perpetually broke? How does this relationship impact the quality of my life and my aspirations?
During the train ride home I concluded that it would be easy to continue this long-distance relationship. However to do so would stifle my growth because it goes against my truths about life and money. My self-sufficiency coaching is focused on helping women to take steps to ensure that they can take care of themselves and their families—however modestly or lavishly they desire. The key to becoming self-sufficient however is having a vision for your life and then carrying it out. Money is merely a tool to aid that enterprise.
The fact is that my friend has never discussed improving his life, e.g. completing his degree or finding a steady job. His constant lack of money is a therefore reflection of his failure to take control of his life. While I respect that he has his own life path to follow, I know that it conflicts with mine. I desire to surround myself with people who are consciously creating their lives. I want to feel energized and inspired by my friends. I want to learn from people who are succeeding, on their own terms, in their personal and professional lives. Unfortunately none of these elements exist in this relationship, so I can’t honestly say that it’s in my highest good to continue it.
Are you also struggling with a relationship that’s hindering your personal and financial growth? If so, I’d love to hear from you.
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
This is an excellent post and SO true. It’s one of those things that you know but it’s hard to put into action because it involves getting out of your comfort zone. I have been telling myself for about a year (more & more recently) that I need to meet more people and more different kinds of people – people who will enhance my life in various ways & not bring me down. This was a good reminder.
This is such a moving post. I feel your conflict despite the awareness of the facts. It’s a challenge I grapple with not with friends, but with family. As much as I love and cherish my single parent and family that raised me, most of them live with an emotionally impoverished mindset that takes over their whole outlook on life. Being unable to divorce myself from this completely; I do my best to deflect it in positive and constructive ways. But it is tough; especially now that I’ve moved back to my hometown after being away for so long. I make up for this by making sure my close circle of family and friends are positive people. Thank you for sharing this and reminding us that despite the guilt, one needs to be honest about deflecting self- defeating energy, no matter who it comes from.
La Generalissima—Thanks so much for your comments. I am always glad when folks can relate to my thoughts and experiences. I’m also glad that you’ve found a way to effectively deal w/your family. That’s always an exceptionally difficult challenge!