Recently Vanity Fair magazine ran an article Desperately Seeking Sugar Daddies Culture” about a young woman who signs up with a dating site that matches women with older, wealthy men aka sugar daddies. The woman is tired of the grind of her job. She aspires to be a freelance writer (financially precarious employment) and wants a “benefactor” to support her Sex and the City ambitions. As the writer straddles the line between dating and prostitution it becomes clear to the reader the high price that women pay for not being financially independent.
The writer quickly finds out that the sugar daddies are not interested in marriage or in giving cash. For these older men, a young woman ’s youth and good looks are her only trading chips. It actually enhances the older man’s cache to have a young, well dressed woman on his arm. Unfortunately the endless supply of young, attractive women means that women don’t have much leverage with wealthy men—particularly those not inclined to marry. At the end of a young woman’s run with sugar daddies, she’ll be slightly older (less desirable) with only some outdated, designer clothing, a few pieces of David Yurman jewelry and some passport stamps to hold onto— no real estate, no stocks, no bonds, not even a car. She’ll have no assets which is no bueno.
Before you scoff—there’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting a financially successful man. It’s nice to have someone who can buy you nice gifts and whisk you off for romantic weekends. There however is a downside. Problem A arises when your entire way of life is dependent on someone else’s largesse. You can’t be yourself because you need to always meet his needs and expectations to keep his coffers open. Which leads to Problem B. What do you do when for whatever reason the sugar daddy ends the relationship? In this sugar daddy culture you’re over the hill at 25 yeas old.
There’s no financial certainty even if you marry a wealthy man. For every Elin Woods who stands to reap a billion dollar divorce pay-out there are millions more women like Danielle from The Real Housewives of New Jersey who are in financial limbo (along with her kids) because her ex-husband is withholding money and she has no job.
It’s important that women have a money mentality–meaning that their salaries are more than sufficient to pay for their needs and their wants. If you’re an underearner, a woman who consistently makes less money than is beneficial your first task is to acknowledge that you are in financial peril. Your first task should be to work on the creating a mindset and habits that will support you increasing your income–not outsourcing that to someone else. If you meet Mr. Big then you’re not coming to the table like a beggar, but as a woman of means.
It’s still a fact that most professional women make less than their male peers. Women also tend to be underearners—consistently making less than they need or desire. That being said, most women would rather have a root canal than negotiate their salaries or ask for a raise. Most women are uncomfortable asking for money. Not only do they fear that their pay request will be rejected, but also that they’ll be viewed as overly aggressive. Unfortunately women’s fears about talking to their bosses about money are not totally unfounded.
A recent article in the New York Times “A Toolkit for Women Seeking a Raise” points out that stereotypes about women can hurt a woman’s ability to get a raise. It seems that a woman who asks for a raise is still viewed as “less attractive,” than her female co-worker who keeps her mouth shut.
The solution however isn’t to suffer in silence. According to the article, a new study concludes that women need to approach salary discussions differently than men. A woman, it suggests, should frame her raise requests in more indirect ways to avoid damaging her relationship with her boss. If it’s been more than a year and a half since you’ve had a pay increase…it’s probably time to gear up top ask for a raise. Harvard University associate professor Hannah Riley Bowles gives her suggestions on effective ways that women can negotiate a pay raise.
Be Proactive: Don’t expect that your boss is automatically thinking that you need a raise. It is your job to ask for it. Point out your contributions and find the best time to talk with your boss.
Be Prepared: Do your research and find out what your peers are being paid. Information is critical to getting a raise. Use web site such as Payscale.com and Salary.com to obtain information about what the average pay is for your position in your region. You can uses sites such as AtGlassdoor.com and Vault.com to find out salary information for specific companies. Don’t forget going to HR to find out the salary range for your position. Also talk with colleagues and peers, particularly men, about salaries in your field or industry. (I’ll add: Frame the pay increase in terms of a percentage rather than a flat number i.e. “I’m seeking a 10% percent salary increase.” rather than “I’m seeking a $10,000 pay raise.”)
Tailor Negotiations: Explain why your request is appropriate— focusing on the company’s good, rather than your own. According to the study, this strategy goes a long way in helping to maintain a good work relationship with your boss.
Anticipate: Anticipate objections and be prepared to address them. If you fail to get a raise this go-round, ask your boss for recommendations for what you could do to move to the next level of your job. This shows that you’re still in control and attempting to be a team player even in the face of rejection.
When it comes to getting more money….”Nothing ventured, nothing gained.” Research, preparation and clarity about what you want are critical tools to obtaining a needed raise.
