Many women have VERY flexible standards which leads to them date subpar men and to stay in subpar jobs. Your standards are no more than the criteria that you use to determine whether a person or a situation fits into your desired life.  Women often claim that they want to make more money or they want better relationships, yet they refuse to terminate the subpar.

Subpar is defined as “Not measuring up to traditional standards of performance, value, or production.”  Simply replace the word “traditional” with “my” and you have a personalized term. 

Low Standards Lead to Your Needs Not Being Met.

When your standards are low you accept virtually everything and everybody into your realm. You don’t assess whether or not a job, or a relationship is actually good for you—you’re just glad that it’s there.  It’s like the woman who claims that she want to be in a monogamous relationship with a financially stable man that will lead to marriage. This same woman however is dating married men, men who are unemployed and/or men who are openly disdainful of commitment. In the course of these  subpar relationships none of her relationship needs or wants are being met.  

The woman does want a more fulfilling relationship but she consistently settles for far less.  She could doubt her ability to be in a successful relationship with a monogamous, marriage-minded man. This woman may also be unwilling to make the emotional and lifestyle changes that it would take to attract the man she desires.  Standards are important for creating the relationship that you want as well as the income that you desire.  

What is your income standard?

Unsure?  Your income standard should be the amount of money that you need to earn to comfortably meet your monthly expenses AND save for the future.  After you’ve figured out your income standard, compare it to your current salary.  How big is the gap between your income standard and your actual pay?  After you’ve done the math, it’s time to examine WHY you are willingly accepting less money than you need and desire?

There are host of WHY’s women frequently give for underearning, including:

The economy  is bad
I work for a small company
My field doesn’t pay high salaries
I don’t have the training, degree, license…necessary to earn more money

The reality is:

2) They don’t want to commit to the changes that are necessary to increase your income.   If you really don’t want to put in the effort to: change your money mindset; look for a higher paying job; get additional training; move to an area with more employment options; get coaching) you’ll just settle for a life of  financial struggle.

Both reasons center on fear…fear of failure, fear of the unknown, fear of rejection and fear or rejection/criticism….fear.

Awareness always precedes change. 

Starting with your income, be honest with yourself about why you’re willing to go to work everyday,  yet struggle financially.  Are you fearful that you don’t have the ability to do earn more money or are your fearful about the life changes that would be necessary for you earn a higher income.

Once you set standards for your income and more forward to adhere to them, you’ll likely feel compelled to cut loose the other subpar aspects of your life.

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Photo Credit: Ed Yourdon

For years I wrote about how popular culture impacted people’s expectations of themselves and society.  The more things change the more they stay the same. Whether it’s a famous man’s mistress doing a press junket, the culture of bottle girls (straddling service & prostitution) at VIP clubs or young girls hooking up with old codgers—the recurring cultural theme is that a woman achieves wealth through a man.  Following that advice however is more likely than not to keep a woman broke and/or in a bad relationship.   What’s really needed is more emphasis being placed on women becoming financially independent.

Too many women don’t focus on getting higher paying jobs or shoring up their finances. 

Instead they maintain the idea that a man is going to come along and rescue them financially. Granted some women do meet and marry wealthy men and live happily ever after. I’d also never advocate partnering with a man who wasn’t financially self-sufficient.  My chief point is that rather than staking your financial well-being on a man, a woman would be better served to create her own money.  Then if she meets Mr. Big Bucks it’s all gravy– like Beyonce & Jay-Z . More important, if Mr. Big Bucks turns out to have no other redeeming quality than a large bank roll the woman has the financial means to exit the relationship.

Today I listened to Drake’s single, “Fancy,” on it he shouts-out financially independent women.  Aside from having “their nails done, their hair done & everything big,” according to Drake these women are “homeowners and degree holders.”  Ne-Yo also praised women who had their own on his 2008 single “Miss Independent.” These songs however are the exception, not the rule in mainstream Hip Hop culture. The days of Queen Latifah and All Hail The Queen was short-lived and long ago.  At least in rock and pop from Janis Joplin to Lady Gaga there’s a more robust tradition of independent women’s voices, existing as a counter  to the subservient woman model.  

In the world of R&B and Hip Hop women are rarely the bosses or shot-callers; they’re usually depicted as “riders.” The female rider supports the man in her life by providing good sex and eye candy AND by dealing with his infidelities and general foolishness.  In exchange wifey, as she’s known, lives a lavish lifestyle—that is as long as the wealthy man is pleased with her. When he’s ready to move onto the next woman it’s hasta la vista baby.

Earlier this month rap artist Slim Thug stirred up controversy in a Vibe.com article when he said that White women knew their role in a relationship and that Black women should “bow down” to successful Black men. I must add the Slim didn’t specify his criteria for “successful”–so the thousandnaire may qualify.  Anyway, despite the precariousness of relying on “borrowed money” many women still see a men as a financial plan.

Here’s the take-away….

Love is complex and relationships do end (even if by death). I tell clients who are struggling with the “Prince Charming” syndrome that they can leave a relationship in one of two ways:

1) With a high income and assets that allows them the time and space to grieve, reflect & rebuild…OR  
2) With no or a low income and no savings/ investments resulting in severe financial insecurity and the high levels of stress and no means to protect your legal rights.

I’m raising my glass to the women who are already shot callers in their lives and to the women ready to take the step toward becoming Ms. Financially Independent.

I’d love you help your audience, women’s organization or your group of friends become financially independent. Here’s how you can hire me to speak at your event.

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Photo Credit: Banana Wacks

As a former underearner I can attest that many underpaid women are well-educated, intelligent, and extremely competent. The problem is that an underearner’s pay is not commensurate with her talents or with her financial needs.  I was far from destitute however I wasn’t consistently making the money that I needed to create financial stability.  In truth, underearning serves to foster some core belief that a woman holds; I was no different. 

Although women say that they want to stop underearning they continue to underearn because in some way it serves them.

I had the fundamental belief that I couldn’t make a lot of money AND maintain my freedom.  I didn’t see the point of having a larger salary if I wouldn’t have time to spend it (I had friends who were basically living in their offices because they were clocking 80 hour weeks).  After my last corporate gig ended I started a not-for-profit organization, gave lectures, consulted and wrote for publications. Financially it was a feast or famine cycle:  Big checks for some projects; followed by some smaller checks; then the money dried up—until the next big project. 

I had a very good life and I could pay my bills—so change wasn’t a priority until I became a mother.  To me, being  a responsible mother meant that financially I had to be able to manage my household alone.  Unfortunately I had seen several close friends go into a financial free-fall when their husbands lost their jobs or divorced them—I didn’t want to follow suit.  The first step to any new behavior is awareness.  Once I acknowledged my belief that money and freedom were mutually exclusive, I was able to reprogram my thinking.

5 Common Motivations Behind Underearning:

1. To Stay in Your Comfort Zone:  An underearner sticks with a familiar (underpaying) job rather than risk the failure or rejection that’s associated with attempting to seek and maintain a higher paying position.

2. Fear of Giving Something Up: High salaried women look at reasonable trade-offs, “Would I be willing to give up X situation to get a higher salary.” In comparison, underearners only think in terms of sacrifice: “I’d have to up X (something extremely valuable to them) for me to earn more money”.  The underearner can’t justify the extra money being worth the sacrifice. 

3. Fear That The Money Would Be Taken Away: Some underearners curtail their income because they’re fearful that they wouldn’t be able to enjoy their additional money in peace. In their minds, if they had more money they’d be pressured to give more  to elderly parents, adult children or ne’re do well siblings.

4. Fear that You Won’t Know How To Handle It:  Many professional women easily handle their personal & household budgets, yet become paralyzed at the prospect of investing. An underearner doesn’t have any extra money to invest  and therefore doesn’t have to address her money management fears.

5.  To Maintain Their “This is My Life” Mindset: Many underearners believe that only “other” people can lead fulfilling and financially prosperous lives. Consequently they see their life and options as extremely limited. If you have trouble seeing greater possibilities for your life, even if your current circumstances are bad, you’ll maintain the status quo. 

Take some time to ask yourself how your life would change if you earned a larger income. Be aware of any resistence that you’re feeling. If there’s any “Mo Money, Mo’ Problems” energy cropping up, try and get clear about the “problems” that additional income would present for you.

Also of Interest:
What’s Keeping You From Earning More Money

How Are High Income Women Different From Underearners

Are You Earning What You Deserve?

A woman needs high self-esteem to live an emotionally and financially rewarding life.  If your self-esteem is low (you usually feel unattractive, dumb, or unworthy)  you’re more likely to accept  any salary and any man that comes your way. If you have poor self-esteem you’ll cling onto a job that underpays you and onto a bad relationship because you believe they are what you deserve .

According to the National Association of Self-Esteem, “Individuals with defensive or low self-esteem… generally lack confidence in themselves, often have doubts about their worth and acceptability, and hence are reluctant to take risks or expose themselves to failure. 

It’s important that every woman strive to be the best, healthiest version of  herself.

It’s normal to have some insecurities, however you can take steps to improve your feelings about yourself and your capabilities. By increasing your self-esteem you’ll set a higher standard for how you allow yourself to be treated by friends & romantic partners.  You’ll also realize that you deserve to earn a salary that give you the ability to comfortably meet your expenses. You will then take steps to raise your income by negotiating with your current employer or by finding a new one.

5 STEPS TO BOOSTING YOUR SELF-ESTEEM AND YOUR INCOME

1.  Make a list of your past successes.  This list doesn’t necessarily have to consist of major achievements like climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro.  It can include your “minor victories” such as learning to cook, graduating from college, receiving an award or promotion, or completing a CPR course.  Read this list often to reinforce that idea that you can succeed. 

2. Associate with positive, supportive people.   Release or severely cut back on people who constantly put you down or your ideas about improving your life.  You want cheerleaders in your corner— people who accept you as-is yet encourage you to grow emotionally, spiritually and financially. 

3. Stop putting yourself down.  You can’t develop high self-esteem if you continue to tell yourself that you’re not shit.  Counter negative thoughts about yourself and your abilities with positive thoughts about who you are and what you’ve done. You can also repeat affirmations to reprogram your thinking. Affirmations are  statements such as “I like and accept myself just the way I am”, “I am somebody, I love myself, I believe in myself”.   When say the affirmation,  allow yourself to REALLY feel the truth and positivity of the statement.

4. Make a list of your positive qualities.  Write down at least 10 of your positive qualities. Are you honest, helpful, caring, resourceful or funny? Review this list often.  Most women dwell on their flaws and shortcomings. Start focusing on your positive traits and you’ll have more confidence to achieve your life and income goals.

5. Set aside at least 15 minutes each day for personal development. Meditate, pray, journal, listen to inspirational music or read a motivational book to set the tone of your day. Setting the intention that your daily interactions and experiences will benefit you  is a powerful, life-changing strategy.

Also of Interest:
How 50 Cents and Self-Worth Are Connected to Underearning

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Photo Credit: Daisy Starr

You may be thinking, “This blog’s about women overcoming underearning, why is Yvonne writing a post about child support?” It’s because it’s another area where women avoid taking steps to improve their financial lives.  Today, nearly half of all marriages end in divorce and across the board, there’s been an increase in the number of unwed parents.  Since women tend to be underearners, most single mothers literally can’t afford not to seek  child support.

As the mother of a 5 years old son, I know that child-related costs don’t end with food, clothing and shelter. They also include health insurance  and/or doctor fees; medicines; school activities; and before or after school care.  Despite these costs, many single mothers voluntarily forgo child support. 

I want to make my position very clear, not seeking child support is financially detrimental—especially if you’re struggling to make ends.  

According to Carolyn Edgar , a NYC attorney,  divorced mom and blogger, mothers don’t seek child support because they want to avoid dealing with the fathers. According to Edgar, “Courts don’t link child support with visitation, but a man who is paying child support will expect and demand visits, which may be uncomfortable for the woman.” 

Marjorie Bostwick a Florida-based life coach for single mothers says, “The child support office gives you the run around and can become time consuming. When I transferred from one state to another it took a year before they called me in for an appointment.”

A disgruntled ex or an ineffective child support office are real issues for single mothers. However I’m still not sold that they override the financial imperatives of raising children.  A mother who is not receiving child support will likely have to work more hours, which means she spends less time with her kids. In the alternative, this mother could just expect her children to make do with less. Both scenarios are problematic if her children’s father is able-bodied and gainfully employed in the Unites States.

Both parents have an emotional and a financial responsibility to their children.  The end of a relationship or a marriage doesn’t terminate those responsibilities.

To apply for child support requires going to your local social services office. In most instances you will need the following information: the father’s Social Security number, address, last known employer and if possible, a picture.  If you and the father weren’t married it helps if you have paternity papers and he has signed the child’s birth certificate.

Making child support arrangements outside the court system is a risky move.  In these instances the mother can only pray that her ex makes consistent payments.   Edgar says, “The parties can always agree to accept less/pay more than formulas dictate, but best for  it to be done through the courts so the payer has a record of payment, and the recipient has an enforceable order.”

I won’t lie, there are deadbeat dads .  Men can lose also their jobs or they can choose to work off-the-books.  All of this means that obtaining a child support order doesn’t  guarantee that you’ll see any money.  However women have to actively pursue financial opportunities that will benefit their lives.  In the instance of child support, the lives of a woman’s children can be greatly enhanced by the additional money that comes into her household.

Let me know what you think.

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Photo Credit: HuNo (Off & On)

“Your sense of who you are will determine your actions and what you end up getting in life. If you see your reach as limited, that you are mostly helpless in the face of so many difficulties, that it is best to keep your ambitions low, then you will receive the little that you expect.  Knowing this dynamic, you must train yourself for the opposite—ask for more, aim high and believe that you are destined for something great.  Your sense of self-worth comes from you alone—never the opinions of others.”—From the 5oth Law by 50 Cent & Robert Greene

I was memorized by this quote when I read it in The 50th Law, 50 Cent’s  book about leadership and power.  It got me thinking about why some women are able to seamlessly go from one big income opportunity to another.  In many cases these women don’t even have the requisite credentials for these positions.  On the flip side, there are women who seem to be magnets for low-paying jobs regardless of how many prestigious degrees they possess.  It appears that high income women think differently than underearners.

In comparison to underearners, high income women, regardless of their backgrounds have a greater sense of self worth. 

The golden gals believe that they were entitled to the best that life had to offer: money, lifestyle and relationships.  Consequently they continually expand their sense of identity to achieve increasingly larger money and life goals.  These women are also willing to release the things that aren’t enhancing their lives: projects, jobs and people.  The golden gals see themselves and their lives beyond the expectations and realities of their socio-economic class, age, environment or past experiences.  The lesson dear heart is that…

Self-belief is a critical element to increasing your income and being able to create a meaningful life.

The things that you’ve been able to create or accomplish fit nicely with your concept of self.  These are the things that you imagined doing as a child, that people told you were good at or talents or skills that came naturally to you.  The things that you haven’t been able to achieve, such as earning a higher income, are outside your sense of self.  They aren’t part of how you see yourself. 

The greatest opportunity for your life lies outside of your current identity. It requires you to shift your core beliefs about yourself. 

It means transforming your self-identity from: woman who’s struggling financially because I’m unable to make enough money TO woman who’s thriving financially because I’m able to make a high income.” 

Remember you have everything you need, right now, to begin your tranformation from underearner to high income earner.

Would you be shocked to learn that many women are “underearners.”  It’s estimated that one in three women are not earning what they are worth. It doesn’t matter whether you’re making  $45,000 or $145,000, if your salary consistently doesn’t cover your expenses, it’s likely that you’re an undearner.

Even if you can pay your bills, you’re an underearner if you’re making less than your market potential—meaning you’re underpaid in comparison to people with educational credentials and work experience  similar to yours.

If you are underearning your finances are probably in a precarious state.  You may find it difficult to pay all of your bills on time or you’d be unable to meet your expenses if your spouse died, became ill or left the marriage.

Undearners certainly WANT to make more money but frequently they are unable to significantly increase their incomes.

I’d really like to know………….

How many are you struggling with underearning?

What do you think is your biggest obstacle to increasing your income?

What would make it easier for you to tackle your income obstacle?

Would you be interested in learning how to increase your income with other professional women? 

Please leave your comments below or if you prefer,
Email me at Yvonne@SophisticatedWomanandMama.com or on Twitter at @YvonneBynoe

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Photo credit: Andy Carolan

For several years I ran a not-for-profit organization in Washington, DC. My work focused on increasing the civic participation of young adults of color. During that period I met a lot of women like myself: well educated, earnest, committed to social change and woefully underpaid.

Philanthropy used to be the bastion of the trust fund set who used their subsistence wages to pay for trifles such as cab fare and cocktails. Although more average janes have now entered their ranks, salaries at most not-for-profit organizations haven’t dramatically improved. In far too many instances women who are trying to change the world can barely afford to pay their rent. The world of philanthropy is rife with underearners.

It’s not surprising since many women believe that it’s more important to “do good” than to make money. Consequently, in the not-for profit world, women have become accustomed to low pay.  Moreover they’ve come to believe that being of service and being handsomely compensated are mutually exclusive.  This poverty mentality then permeates not-for-profit organizations since most frequently struggle financially.

Rather than embrace a money mentality and devise plans to generate  income that could be used to expand programs and increase employee salaries, most organizations remain largely dependent on grants and annual fundraising campaigns. This revenue plan is akin to a wife who’s totally reliant on her husband to pay the bills. It’s very good while he’s does it and very bad when he doesn’t.

Anyone who’s ever written a grant proposal or been interrogated,interviewed by a grant committee knows how precarious the grantor/grantee relationship can be.  The annual  initiatives of granting organizations often result in organizations changing the thrust of their programming to win a grant.  In other instances the loss of a large grant could result in a major staff and/or program cuts. More problematic, salaries remain low at these organizations. Most grant writers acknowledge that it’s a sin to include more than a low-end “reasonable” salary in a proposal for staff positions. 

At more than a few not-for-profits, not having a money mentality also means that administrative concerns are handled ad hoc.  In 2004 the venerable Dance Theater of Harlem was on the verge of having to disband its troupe and close it’s school because of a 2.5 million dollar short-fall.  In the 35 years of its existence, only in the face of bankruptcy was it hiring an executive director to oversee the business and financial issues.

Women could do even more good in the world if they made making money a priority.  However change agents would first have to deal with their own money fears and money biases in order to bring new financial ideas and cash to their organizations. 

I have a presentation How Artists and Change Agents Can Do More Good By Embracing a Money Mentality that talks directly to artists and change agents about why they money provides them with important power and leverage that can be used to advance their causes.  I’d love to talk to your organization or private group about how to do more good, by getting more money!

Recently Vanity Fair magazine ran an article Desperately Seeking Sugar Daddies Culture” about a young woman who signs up with a dating site that matches women with older, wealthy men aka sugar daddies. The woman is tired of the grind of her job. She aspires to be a freelance writer (financially precarious employment) and wants a “benefactor” to support her Sex and the City ambitions. As the writer straddles the line between dating and prostitution it becomes clear to the reader the high price that women pay for not being financially independent.

The writer quickly finds out that the sugar daddies are not interested in marriage or in giving cash. For these older men, a young woman ’s youth and good looks are her only trading chips. It actually enhances the older man’s cache to have a young, well dressed woman on his arm. Unfortunately the endless supply of young, attractive women means that women don’t have much leverage with wealthy men—particularly those not inclined to marry.  At the end of a young woman’s run with sugar daddies, she’ll be slightly older (less desirable) with only some outdated, designer clothing, a few pieces of David Yurman jewelry and some passport stamps to hold onto— no real estate, no stocks, no bonds, not even a car. She’ll have no assets which is no bueno.

Before you scoff—there’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting a financially successful man. It’s nice to have someone who can buy you nice gifts and whisk you off for romantic weekends. There however is a downside. Problem A arises when your entire way of life is dependent on someone else’s largesse. You can’t be yourself because you need to always meet his needs and expectations to keep his coffers open. Which leads to Problem B. What do you do when for whatever reason the sugar daddy ends the relationship? In this sugar daddy culture you’re over the hill at 25 yeas old.

There’s no financial certainty even if you marry a wealthy man. For every Elin Woods who stands to reap a billion dollar divorce pay-out there are millions more women like Danielle from The Real Housewives of New Jersey who are in financial limbo (along with her kids) because her ex-husband is withholding money and she has no job.

It’s important that women have a money mentality–meaning that their salaries are more than sufficient to pay for their needs and their wants. If you’re an underearner, a woman who consistently makes less money than is beneficial your first task is to acknowledge that you are in financial peril. Your first task should be to work on the creating a mindset and habits that will support you increasing your income–not outsourcing that to someone else. If you meet Mr. Big then you’re not coming to the table like a beggar, but as a woman of means.

I believe understanding what drives your earnings, spending and saving decisions is critical to achieving financial prosperity. This means identifying your “Money Personality.”  This information will help you to understand and resolve any money beliefs or behaviors that you could sabotage your efforts to create a financial freedom plan. 

Here’s my assessment of the seven most common money personalities— and how they impact your finances:

The Ostrich: The Ostrich lives in financial denial. Ostriches tend to stick their heads in the sand when it comes to their finances. She’s easily overwhelmed by financial information and relies heavily on other people for guidance.   Ostriches tend to place more trust in other people’s financial judgments than in their own.  Since an Ostrich avoids the realities of her finances, she tends to make money decisions based on what she’d like to believe is true rather than on the facts.

The Victim
The Victim tends to live in the past and blames her financial problems on outside forces (parents, ex-, employer, economy). She’s often passive-aggressive— acting out her feelings covertly rather than directly. She may appear powerless as a way to get others to take care of her needs.  Generally, Victims have been betrayed, abused or have suffered some significant financial loss.  Until The Victim releases the pain, hurt and humiliation of her past, she’ll most likely replicate old experiences of financial betrayal and loss.

The Warrior
The Warrior sets out to gain financial prosperity and is generally viewed as a successful person. She enjoys the buying power, influence and status that money affords her. Warriors are savvy investors, who make informed, strategic decisions. Although Warriors will listen to advisers, she trusts her own instincts and research to guide her.  Warriors are great caretakers who are frequently attracted to less financially secure money personalities such as the Ostrich or The Seeker/Artist who prefer not to manage their finances.

The Martyr
The Martyr, to her detriment, usually places everyone else’s financial needs above her own.  Martyrs are constantly rescuing their adult children, relatives, spouse/partner and/or friends from financial disasters.  In many instances, martyrs have long-established patterns of a self-sacrifice and suffering.  Martyrs are perfectionists who find it difficult to accept help from others.    In order to achieve their own financial goals, Martyrs have learn how to ask for assistance and give up their need to solve their loves ones financial problems.

The Seeker/Artist
The Seeker/Artist usually is on a creative or spiritual life path and has a love/hate relationship with money.  They negatively value money and is conflicted about how it relates her soul-focused life.  Consequently, The Seeker/Artist though talented and driven may be constantly struggling financially.  The Seeker/Artists can gain financial prosperity when she learns to see money as a tool of exchange that she can use to express her own values and beliefs.

The Dictator
The Dictator hoards money and uses it to control others. Although Dictators appear to lead comfortable, happy lives, in reality they are frequently restless, unfulfilled and anxious. The Dictator fears that unless she holds the reigns tightly she’ll lose everything. Dictators believe that earlier in their lives they suffered because they couldn’t/didn’t exercise control.  As a result she’s now driven by her internal need for safety and control. By hoarding money The Dictator is ignoring opportunities to grow her finances for her long-term needs.

The Manifester
The Manifester is the ideal money personality. Manifesters are fully self-aware about their personal and financial lives. Manifesters confront their past and make peace with their personal histories. With this knowledge she understands that she has the power within herself to create an authentic life that incorporates her finances.

Once you know your money personality, you will then be able to develop a strategy to counter the aspects that are hindering your prosperity.
 
I’ll be talking about topics like this in my FREE teleclass, “5 Secrets To How Women Can Take Charge of Their Money, Create Wealth & Gain Peace of Mind” on April 28, 2010. REGISTER TODAY!

I’ll be teaching women some simple, easy steps that they can use to take control of their money. Every woman deserves to live a prosperous life. So regardless of the current state of your finances, you can begin to build financial security…which will help you to sleep better at night.

Photo Credit: Lip Kee